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Boys.

As for the boy situation, I was pretty much told that we're just friends with benefits although he likes me but since he just came out of a really bad relationship (which was plenty of months ago), he still isn't ready for a relationship, even though we've been talking for months now. It kills me to hear that from him because now I feel as though the relationship I yearn for with him may never happen, because who knows if he'll ever get over the girl he was just with. I can honestly and truthfully say that I have never fallen this hard for a guy before, and that loosing him would cause me extreme emotional pain, and I really don't know if I could handle that. He's always depressed lately, and for some reason all I can do is blame myself... Even though all I ever want and try to do is help. Sometimes I feel like he's dragging me down to his depressive slump with him, and sometimes I get caught in it, but then I have to remember that I'm stronger than that, that I can push it away and find reasons to not be depressed. Even if he does sometimes (unintentionally and subconsciously) bring me down with him, all I can think about is helping him get out of it, helping him feel better, helping him be happy... I can't make him happy though, which hurts a lot too... But that doesn't stop me from trying. I really don't know anymore, I'm too attached and I've fallen to hard to walk away and see if he comes running after me... Who knows if he even would come running after me.... All I know is that I'd rather struggle and get through the pain then not have him in my life. I care about him more than I can even wrap my head around. Don't get me wrong, he makes me happy, he's funny, cute, has this sexy voice, when I'm with him my whole body tingles and when he kisses and touches me the butterflies in my stomach go insane... and so many more reasons that I would take the time to write but I'd probably take up way too much space, haha. Anyways, every time I try to approach him about being in a relationship with me he freaks out and I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I can't wait and hope forever, and what if it doesn't even happen? God, I'd be devastated.

Goodbyes & Renewals.

My best friend Kylie left on the eighteenth, and I really miss her, I feel like I could only open up to her and be myself around her and now I have no one I can hang out with and have the same conversations or do the same things with... Which sucks. I'm friends with Jess again (if you didn't catch that above) and I couldn't avoid it because my mom is practically best friends with her mom and my mom literally obsesses over Jess, so I was pretty much pushed face first into this friendship. However, I will not let her drag me down, I will not give into drugs again, I will not lower my self esteem if she calls me names, I will not engage in immature acts, I will not give her money for drugs, and I will not go back to my old ways. While Jess & I weren't friends and it was just Kylie & I, I realized how strong, independent, responsible, smart, carefree, and happy I am capable of being. I actually like being sober and come to realize I can barley drink or smoke weed anymore, only every now and then. I will never ever let go of those new found confidences, and I will embrace them always. The only thing I'm scared of is Jess becoming too attached and depending on me to make her stop doing drugs and to give her confidence by putting me down. Hopefully she's somewhat changed, if not, then I won't put up with it.

College!

Ah, finally into my second week of college and so far so good. I already have a tutor for math so hopefully I pass with a really good grade, and my English teacher has already commented on how good my writing is! Which is definitely a motivation booster that makes me want to go above and beyond with my writing. As for my two online classes, I've barley started them but I have so much stuff due this week, I'm going to have to work my ass off tomorrow -_-. My favorite class is my English class by far, mainly because it's a writing class, and I'm going to get to do a ton of writing. The only negative thing about my English class is that it's all the way uptown in the city and I have to wake up every Tuesday & Thursday morning at 8AM to get ready, leave by 10AM, get to the light rail at around 10:35AM, get on the light rail by 10:45AM, go all the way to the last stop in the city and get there by 11:15AM, run across the street and try to catch the trolly at 11:25AM (If I don't catch it I have to stand on the corner and wait another 15 minuets for the next one, and it isn't in a very good area at all), get to my building by 11:35AM and class doesn't start until 12:45PM, so I usually just read a book or hang out with Jess until our classes start. Then class ends at 1:45PM and then it takes about 45 minuets to get home and by then I'm so exhausted... It's a hassle. Hopefully next semester I can get all of my classes at the campus that's only 15/20 minuets away from my house. Anyways, the first few weeks of college are obviously going to be overwhelming since I haven't been in school for a year (meaning actually being present in classroom with other students), and it's all so new to me that my anxiety and stress levels are off the wall right now. Hopefully within the next few weeks I'll be able to figure out time management and how to balance everything out! But, on the whole, college is great so far & I cannot wait to transfer to UNCW next year.

Starting to freak myself out.

I always do this... I'm starting to freak myself out about the whole situation with the boy I'm talking to. This is how it is with me: I used to fall head over heels for guys and I let them scum me over and over again until they broke it off with me and left me in some heartbroken abyss of loneliness. After I was raped during my Sophomore year of high school, right after actually, I met this guy who picked me up from the deepest hole I've ever sunken into, and he stuck around for quite some time... After a while, he got sick of me and cheated on me and went out with my best friend... He pretty much scummed me over like no other. After being through hell and back multiple times within my sixteen years of life I decided that I wasn't ever going to let another guy into my heart ever again, merely because I was so damaged from being taken advantage of that night I was raped and by being used by the one guy I actually loved... And I kept that promise to myself. I usually just messed around with guys (not a lot but you know what I mean, it was occasional) and I dated some here and there, two of which actually fell hard for me and I had no emotional attachment to either of them. I loved being the girl who played guys, I loved feeling in control of the relationship that I was in, I loved breaking their hearts and being completely okay with it... But then I became home schooled and was able to mature, become responsible, gain knowledge, and most of all I had all the time in the world to think and reflect on my thoughts. I realized I had a lot of fixing up to do, and I healed a lot, but I was still so alone and lonely... I lost most of my friends, leaving me with two good ones, one who I've drifted away from quite some bit, and the other whose leaving in August to move to Arizona with her boyfriend for college. I was horrified by the fact that soon I would be completely alone with no one but my family (who drives me crazy 99% of the time), and my own mind. I knew there was nothing I could do about everyone leaving and I didn't want the same old people I used to be friends with to come back into my life simply because I can't deal with the immaturity and recklessness they so selflessly abuse. Anyways, the moral to this mind vent sesh is that, the guy I've been talking to walked into my life when I was content and he's continued to stay in my life... But now that my friends are leaving I'm starting to get really scared because I've become so emotionally attached to this boy. And I've wondered if it's because I know that my friends are leaving and he will still be here, but it isn't that at all... Like I said, I used to be the girl who broke hearts and I haven't had real feelings for anyone since that boy I went out with for a long time after I was raped. And these feelings that I'm feeling for this guy now, are so incredibly real, deep, passionate, and amazing... I can honestly say I have never felt these feelings in my life and I know that means I'm falling... have fallen for him... But he's always busy with work and his friends and he doesn't have his license so I rarely ever get to see him. I'm hoping that once I get my license at the end of August that, that will change. I'm also scared that he doesn't want a relationship with me, he's said he does before but that was a while ago and he hasn't said anything about still liking me and what not in a while either... I just don't want him to leave without giving me a chance.. I know I can make him happy, he makes me so happy it's absolutely astonishing and if he can do that... Then he deserves the whole entire universe, I swear. He thinks so low of himself, like I used to think of myself, so I know where he's coming from... But I want to show him his amazing side, the side my eyes see... I just don't know how, I try but I'm always unsuccessful, which sucks. I don't know... I really like him, and loosing him would be such a devastation to me. I need to stop worrying and freaking myself out, he says he needs more time. Time, time, time... It drives me insane, I hate waiting because I don't know what's going to happen and I'm not used to that. I'm used to being in control and now I'm not in control at all, and it's a good thing I guess, but I'm just not used to it and I don't know how to handle it. I guess you can't really handle this kind of thing though.

Besides my whole obsessive freak out about not being in control and letting my heart be handled in the hands of someone else, my ex-best friend texted me before. She was most definitely, without a doubt, messed up out of her mind because she couldn't comprehend the fact that I'm going on vacation for a week and kept asking me to hang out on days I specifically told her I wouldn't be here. Anyways, she kept saying she missed me and our friendship and all this shit... She asked me to hang out on Friday because her friend from up North is here and I told her I would, but I'm not sure if I really want to. It's too soon for that, she ruined a lot of things for me and I don't want to fall back into the same pattern of shitty friendship-ness again. I don't even know if I'm capable of being friends with her again because of the past we have. The conversation I had with her made me feel trapped. I feel like I'm trapped here with the same people I've been trying to get away from since I moved to this hell hole. And feeling trapped in a place you don't want to be, with people you don't want to see or have anything to do with, sucks more than I ever imagined. I feel like I'm being pulled into things I don't want to do, and that's how it's always been, I get pushed around, walked all over, and forced and talked into things I have no interest in pursuing what so ever. I HATE THIS. I don't want to be stuck at this community college for more than a year. I'm going to study my ass off so I get the highest grades I'm capable of getting, so I can get the fuck out of here next year. I cannot stay here another year or I will completely loose whatever's left of my mind.

I'm not the same girl I used to be... I'm content with myself, I'm more responsible, more mature, more studious, educated, smart, I can make wiser decisions, I know whose bad news and whose good news, and I know how to maintain a consistent, healthy lifestyle. But I don't know how to stand up for myself, no matter how hard I try, and I honestly have no idea why the fuck I can't do it. Agh, well I'm gonna get some sleepies now. That was a much needed vent sesh, I needed to get that off my chest.

XOXO

Finally got registered for classes!

My Schedule is:
MAT 080 (Intermediate Algebra) on Mondays and Wednesdays from 6:00PM-8:15PM. It only goes that long because I picked a class that had class and lab on the same day so I wouldn't have to go back to school for an hour on a random day for lab.

ENG 111 (Expository Writing) on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 12:30PM-1:45PM. Not bad at all! I'm actually really excited for this class!

Then I'm taking Introduction To Sociology and American History 2 online because both of those classes interfered with my Math & English class, and I really wanted these two classes, so I don't mind that their online. As long as I have two classes on campus, I'm fine!


I start August 15th... Really close. I'm really excited but also kind of nervous, just because it's college... The moment I've been waiting for forever... It's crazy that I'm already here and my life's about to actually start... Woo, it's a lot to take in I spose! And I want to do exceptionally well because I really want to transfer to UNCW next year instead of the year after next... A lot of people have been telling me not to get my hopes up because UNCW is a hard school to get into and I probably won't get in after my first year of community college... But, I'm going to try my hardest to prove them all wrong.. I really want to get into this school, it would mean the world to me.


Ah, but other than that... Today's been alright. I had a dentist appointment because my teeth are bothering me. I have a tiny little cavity but my dentist said the main source of pain is coming from my wisdom teeth, however, he said that their coming in straight so I probably won't have to get them removed, but we shall see!

I hung out with an old friend today and some of his friends and it made me realize how lucky I have it. These guys were such piles and one of them has a kid and all he talked about was going to work messed up and the only thing they conversed about was drugs and alcohol... I felt so out of place, that isn't my scene anymore and I just felt too mature and responsible to be hanging around with those kids. I hope college has more mature people, who are actually focused and interested on something other than drugs, partying, alcohol, sex, etc... I'm so sick of this nonsense and absentmindedness. -_-

Hmm.. I'm getting excited for FL, I kind of started to pack... If taking out every single item of clothing you own and throwing it on the floor counts as packing... Haha. The only thing I'm not excited about is apparently my Aunt (who I haven't seen since I was 11-12) and her 3 kids are going to be in FL as well and were leaving Marco Island to go to my Gpa's in West Palm Beach to see them for the day... Now, this Aunt is on my Step-Dad's side of the family and her kids are perverts. One of them, the one that's my age, has some kind of mental illness, and the other one is a few years younger than me (I think), and they used to try to touch me and kiss me all the time when we were little! And then I'm pretty sure the third one is really young, the last time I saw him he was a baby, so I'm not worried about him... Just the other 2 -_- If they try to touch me or make out with me or if they're perverts in any way, shape, or form I will literally punch them in the face. I do not put up with that bullshit. Fucking disgusting pigs. That is the only thing I am not excited for.

But! My mom said that once we get back from FL, I can get my belly button pierced! Which I've been wanting done for quite some time... I need to diet though, haha, fml.

XOXO

SO STRESSFUL

So I went up to my school today to do that new student counseling thing and I got a list of classes I should take based on my test scores and I actually got in pretty high math and english classes... I think. However, my high school transcripts haven't transferred over to my school yet, therefore, I cannot register. WHICH FUCKING SUCKS because every fucking class is full. Theres only a few seats left in math, history, and sociology. I'd probably have to take history online and math and sociology would be at two different campuses. And the even worse news is that there are absolutely NO english classes for me to take, they are all full.... Which is so disappointing because I wanted to take this english class more than anything since it involves a ton of writing. Now I have to wait to take it until next semester... Ugh. Who knows if I'll even get in any classes now, I'm so mad. But, on the bright side, at least I know I did really well on my placement test! Haha, that makes me feel good because I know I'm smart and have the potential to be even smarter.

Hmm. It's such a shitty day today, I'm so bored and it's about to storm. I love storms, but I really wanted to go swimming or go out with some friends or something. Oh well. I need a cigg, but I don't have any left... Of course. My life. -_- The lighting in my room really sucks, I can't see shit without a glare being shined up into my eyes, wtf.

Ugh, well I guess I'm gonna go find something to do... I'll probably watch movies on Netflix all day... Lmao, ugh.

Why am I still up at 5 AM?

Who knows...

Well, today was eventful. I woke up around 11 AM, so I got to sleep in, which was absolutely wonderful and much needed. Ate breakfast (which is the only thing I ate today! Restricting for the win), cleaned my room from top to bottom, did some laundry and even helped my mom out with hers, took a nice long shower and got ready, then I hung out with that boy again, and then I just relaxed all night. I even lit candles all around my room, so the aroma was lovely and calming.

Now, the only thing bothering me is my current status with that boy... I know he likes me, and he knows I like him... However, I feel like he sticks around because he knows I'll always be intimately involved with him, which bothers me quite some bit. The other day we got in a small argument because I asked him if anyone has ever made him happy and I told him how he makes me happier than I've ever been, and then he went on this whole rant about how he's seemingly incapable of showing emotions other than depression and anger. Which I know isn't true. I know he's been screwed over several times by girls he's "fallen in love with", so I guess his past just has him paranoid and cautious. I don't blame him though. I think after a while, and after a bunch more times hanging out and proving to him that I really do genuinely like him more than he could imagine, he'll start to open up to me, then maybe we can finally make things official. To be blunt, I never really cared this much about a guy before, nor have I ever felt such deep feelings and emotions for one either... I always thought I was heartless, cold as stone, self-centered, etc... Because I never let myself get this involved and attached to a guy before. He's different than any other guy I've ever had a "thing" with before, he's caring, sweet, funny, hard working, smart, interesting, extremely attractive, he also has a naughty-no-regrets side to him, and so much more than I can't even begin to put into words. I honestly think I'm falling for this guy, and normally I'd be horrified and wouldn't let myself fall any further... But not this time, yeah I won't lie, I am scared because this whole deep feeling thing is so new to me and I really don't think I could handle loosing him, but I'm letting myself keep falling this time because I don't want to put walls up and push him away when there could be something really amazing between us. I try not to let myself worry to much because I know that always ruins things. I guess we will just see how things go, and whatever happens will happen I spose.

Hmm... Well, I guess I should attempt to get ready for bed and try and get some sleep. I don't want to waste my Saturday and sleep until evening!

Xoxo

Things are starting to pick up

Slowly! But my life is starting to get a move on, which I am beyond excited about. Today, I went to this pep session thing at my college, there was only a few people there but I was one of the first ones. This girl ended up coming up to me and talking to me, she just moved here from Texas and we have a lot in common. I made a new friend whose going to the same school as me! We got each others numbers, which is good, I'm excited that I'm finally meeting new people. I've been so isolated from meeting new people since becoming home schooled, that I'm ready to just get out there and meet people. Although, I have the tendency to be extremely shy and quiet around new people, and when there's a lot of people around I become anxious, paranoid, nervous, etc... So, I'm going to need to get used to being around people again... That's probably the only thing I'm really scared about right now.

I actually did really well on my placement test! Well, on the English part that is, the math part didn't go so great, but I did decent and not horrible. So, I'm not really worried about being placed in a lower math class. I have a meeting with some other students and counselors on Monday, and the counselors are going to talk one on one with the students, so I'm excited for that. I get to find out what classes I should take based on my placement test scores, and I get to register and pick classes... If there are any left this semester that is. I also have to meet with a transfer counselor this week sometime to see which program I should go into since I'm planning on transferring to a four-year college after a year or two. Ah, stressful... But so exciting!

Anyways, besides the college thing, things are good. I got in a fight with that boy yesterday, he said he can't give me what I want because his inability to express any emotions besides anger and depression... Which overall confused me because I don't even know what I want. Well, I guess I do... I want a relationship, love, comfort, security... What every girl wants. But he's the one who asked me if I eventually wanted a relationship because he really likes me and what not. I don't know, I'm not bothered as much as I normally would be by it, were hanging out tomorrow and all I really care about is having him in my life, whether it's relationship wise, friend wise, or friend with benefits, or together wise... Whatever you want to call it. I actually have extremely strong feelings for this guy, totally unlike me to ever feel anything this deep for anyone... But, I do and it scares me quite some bit... I'm just not holding back anymore, I guess I want to take what I can while it's still there, ya know?

Hm, what else? I'm going to Florida on the 30th, so I'm super excited to go to the beach and get tan and just relax! I need to restrict from now to then like hell... I want to be so tiny for it, I just ordered a new bathing suit from Victoria Secret, so I have to look good in it! Not that I want to impress anyone because I won't know anyone, but because I want to feel comfortable and pretty and sexy while I'm on the beach... and not feel like a beached whale. -__- Haha, I'll make skinny happen! I will.

Xoxo

Decent day.

Surprisingly, today wasn't half bad. I woke up and got ready and actually felt pretty today, I never feel pretty... ever, so this was a first! Anyways, I ended up taking my college placement test and I did really great on the english part and decent on the math, but probably could've done better. I'm so rusty in math, I'm actually really bad at math... So all in all, I won't mind if I don't get put in the highest math class. Haha. Hmm.. well tomorrow I might hang out with that boy again, which is super exciting :) If not tomorrow, then I'll see him Thursday. My mom wants to go out to dinner for my graduation tomorrow, ugh family outings kill me. I'd rather sit home and eat frozen dinners and watch movies on Netflix all day... I'm such an anti-social lazy bum. I need to clean my room tomorrow, and re-organize. -_- It's bothering me so much, good grief. Well, nothing exciting really happened today besides passing my placement test.

Hope everyone is well :)
xoxo

Impatient.

I'm back in North Carolina and things are alright I guess. I finally finished all my school work so I graduated high school... It's about time. I had a good time in New York, it was refreshing to see my family and friends that I haven't seen in a long time. I went to Atlantic City, NJ while I was up there for my Grandma's birthday, which was fun. I went to Long Branch and Point Pleasant with my Aunt and cousins, it was nice to go to the beach and go to the boardwalk where I spent my childhood. I also ended up getting to go into Manhattan, and we saw Ground Zero and went to Mars 2112 for lunch, it was eventful. I didn't get to do as much as I planned and I didn't get to hangout with some of my friends as much as I had hoped, but I'm thankful for the time I had there. Every minuet was worth it.

Well, since I've been back in NC I've just been hanging with my same two friends.. I finally hung out with that boy I always talk about, and it was amazing. I really like him and I think he eventually wants a relationship as well. I don't know though, I know he really likes me and what not, but I sometimes feel like I like him way more then he likes me. Which is kinda a shitty feeling, because I'm used to it being the other way around. I'm not even gonna stress that right now, I have so much other shit stirring up right now.

So, since I finished high school I can finally register for college. Today, I went to motor vehicles to get my non-drivers license I.D because after I was going to go up to my school to register and take the placement test... I went to get my state I.D because I need picture identification to take the placement test and tuition is apparently due tomorrow and classes are pretty much filled. But, of course... With my luck, I'm not going to get my I.D in the mail for another 5-10 days. So, tomorrow my mother is going to take me up to my school to try and use my yearbook picture and birth certificuit as an I.D so I can get my placement test over with. If I don't take my placement test tomorrow and get registered at the college, then there's no guarentee that I'll get into any classes this semester. I may even have to take online classes through the school, which fucking sucks because I'm so sick of being at home and doing classes in my room by myself... I've been looking forward to college so I can meet people and get out of my house, and learn in a class... Since I've been home schooled since October, I'm so sick of it. Also, if I have to wait another semester to start college that's just delaying my plans to go to University next year... I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS SHIT HOLE A.S.A.P! I'm not even trying to stay here any longer than I have to. Oh, and my stupid high school hasn't sent over my transcripts so who knows if the college will even let me register for this semester since there's no proof I graduated yet... GREAT.

These curveballs keep getting thrown at my life and it's making me so frustrated. I just want to get a move on with everything and get out of my house and be independent and go to college and learn and gain knowledge and find out what I want to do in the future... And now I may have to wait even longer... It sucks. Everyone's getting so excited to go to college and I'm stuck here, unorganized and without a fucking plan because my plan got fucked, once again. Only me, of course me... Because nothing ever works out for me. And nothing ever will.

I'm so mad, I really hope I can take my placement test and register for college tomorrow... If not, I'm going to loose my mind. I will legit be so angry. Idk, without a plan I just feel lost and unorganized and that isn't what I'm used to. I hate feeling so confused and trapped in this world I've been stuck in for so long. I'm so close to getting out and of course something happens to pull me back in. Ugh.

On the bright side, I got a MacBook Pro for graduating high school. Legit I spose. All I've been doing is sitting on my computer watching movies on Netflix all day... Oh the life I live. Socially shunned. -_-